We saw most of the animals, rode the train and carousel and hiked every inch of The Saint Louis Zoo. All in all, I would say it was a successful mission.
If you are planning a trip to the zoo, I recommend laying down some ground rules.
Our rules were made along the way and are as follows:
1. Do not pick up foreign objects, such as random trash or other peoples lost relics. I thought you knew this but apparently we needed to go over this again. No, we do not need an extra hair bow. Gag.
2. Do not bite. Especially for no good reason and just for the hell of it.
3. No throwing a fit when things don't go your way. I'm sorry the penguin exhibit is closed and there's a line for the train. There's nothing I can do about it. Your complaints are futile and annoying.
4. No sticks. Every time a stick gets picked up, someone gets a beating, sometimes a completely innocent bystander. The next person that picks up a stick gets said stick across the backside.
5. Do not stand up in a moving wagon. Luckily I haven't had to reinforce this with punishment as you've all fallen out. Dumb.
6. Do not climb walls that separate you from the animals. Just a suggestion. Also climbing statues that say 'Do Not Climb', the powers above frown on. Side note: Parkour is an adolescent sport you can do when you're old enough to be out of my sight.
7. Do not lay on the ground flat on your back in the middle of a path or risk being trampled by the stampede. It also makes me look bad.
8. Do not play hide and seek unwillingly. IF you follow this action by an inability to hear your name when I call, I will beat you into next Tuesday.
9. All bodies of water are off limits. We'd all like to swim with the sea lions but that's life. I don't appreciate that Lucy Liu just had to catch you from diving head first into the butterfly pond.
10. Do not touch the animals. Along those lines DO NOT catch the butterflies or the old lady in charge will take you home and cook you for dinner. She's already giving us stink eye and I don't blame her.
11. Stay close by. The zoo keepers didn't find my jokes about zone defense funny.
12. Don't taunt the animals. Even though it was funny when you named Rosebud the monkey, Rose Butt. The song 'I see your butt!' was a step too far.
13. Do not talk to strangers. If I'm right next to you and you feel the need to greet someone, please, say something nice and not 'Hey there stinky pants!'
14. Know what personal space is and don't try to edge other children out. This is 'Merica'! Grown-ups blocking views and taking forever, give the kids a break and let them see. Your grown-ups and it's a Tuesday morning...don't you have somewhere else to be?
15. When I tell you to go to bathroom, it's not a nice suggestion. Go to the bathroom because I'm not hiking an hour in the opposite direction.
16. Don't put your hands down your pants. You don't need to go in to re-adjust.
17. Do not feed animals or other peoples children.
18. You may make requests but not demands. Stupid requests don't require answers. No we can't have a tiger...
19. Don't wander off. If you can't see me, you have a problem. Freeze. I will find you. Excuses for wanders are met with a distant look and a sigh. I'm 'wandering' where the beer is.
20. No you may not have a boomerang, a stuffed lemur, a stuffed elephant or any other stuffed useless toy. Stupid gift shops everywhere!
If compliance is a problem just remember: You're in a good spot to return them to their natural environment. Good luck with all the wild animals!
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